defining myself

i haven’t been writing. not because i haven’t been hurting. actually, i think it’s because my relationship with the hurting has changed. i think i’m slowly ceasing to identify with it. before, i had to get everything down as an expression of myself. now i know that when hurt happens, it doesn’t have to stay a part of me. when i find it in my hands once again, i can put it down in a different way. so much of being a “strong” person is often defined in how well you can take pain, but the thing i was weakest at was letting it go.

i think holding on is just embedded in our instincts. it’s an edge that distinguishes “this is who i am.” immanuel kant gives us the concept of categorical mistakes, and the way i saw pain was my gravest one. just like “the color of pears is two” is a categorical mistake, so is “if they had stayed, then i would have been worthy.”

for so long, i’ve been trying to solve this logical flaw without understanding that two is a number, “if they had stayed” is an action, and “i am worthy” is something i just am.