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"bad things"

it's so crazy how this song is burned into my mind. i can still smell the crisp morning chill as i got into your car after our first night together. the sound of your engine turning on is so vivid in my mind. the lights of your dashboard flickering on, and this was the first song that came on from your playlist. that moment of happiness is distilled in my body forever, a cacoon of time unperturbed by reality.

i'm not sure if it's a gift or a curse that i can remember moments like this absolutely uninterrupted by the pain that followed. when i hear this song now, i am transported back to the exact moment in 2019 that i sat in your car—the taste of you still on my lips, the touch of you still on my skin.

right now i feel so fulfilled and whole that this memory doesn't hurt me. it's a detached nostalgia that i don't yearn for again, just appreciation for happening. maybe i'm crazy that this is making me smile so much right now. maybe i'm just having a manic moment and feel extreme unadulterated awareness for this moment that seared its memory into me, and i'm mistaking the hyperawareness for bliss. maybe tomorrow, i will feel the pain of the scar it left. maybe i'm a masochist and it's the pain that's making me feel happy. i don't know,

i just know that listening to this song right now is making me feel alive, and unafraid to seek more moments like this.

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